Oct 29th

2nd Chemo ~ Day after tomorrow

They say you can make yourself sick with your thoughts, sometimes I think that to be true. 

I have 2 days left until my second chemo treatment and although the last one went very well. Better then expected! I am still full of apprehension and I am pre-tired and pre-nauseous. 

Maybe it is not knowing if it will go as well.

Or maybe it is the shedding of hair that has finally made it real.

(Although I am glad to know that they must have put the other stuff in the IV's because the loss of my hair proves that it was not just Benadryl)

And then I read of others that have the same apprehension each time, some have symptoms that worsen, some have improvement. Nothing to reassure you that all will be the same, each time is an experience of it's own.

But it is good to read them. All of them. They help to not make me feel so scattered and lost. It makes it ok to be apprehensive.

Because not every day is a positive day, some days are down days. 

And it is ok, because that is why there are tomorrows.

~Mat Kearney~

"Breathe In, Breathe Out"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDmnG9uTEfk

Oct 24th

A Two Week Reflection

Today marks 14 days since my first visit to "Infusion Bay". I am excited and baffled to report that overall things went very well. 

Sunday the 13th felt well enough to join the Fire Dept for car extraction training, bones a little achy but overall felt good.

Monday 14th  and Tuesday 15th found me with an awful headache, makes me wonder if the bones are shifting back or if Prednisone is really NOT my friend. Still made it to a rescue call on Tuesday. Only went to the school where Life Flight and Life Star were coming in, because if I was going to get sick at least I knew there were woods there. 

Wednesday the 16th found me slightly nauseous, took a pill and spent the rest of the day in what I will call an aware coma. Don't think I like that either.

Thurs the 17th brought a visit from my Aunt, some head covers and wigs and of course the sharing of information. Spent the day walking like a penguin because the hips hurt soooo much. Went to deliver my first follow up blood work (got to see if cells or good or if I must go into hiding).

Friday the 18th I went to work, did some shopping, decided I did not like having to catch my breath, so ended the day with a visit to the ER just to make sure all was good. For the most part it was. My breathing issue was probably self induced, seems like you can have anxiety without feeling anxious? I am just going to blame the Prednisone! The slight fever I was chastised for that night never returned, so who knows what that was! This night also brought to light the wonderfulness of some nurses and gave some DR's a bad name!

Saturday 19th spent the day quiet to make sure to keep well, Mom came and stayed too. She is a spy. But that is ok I think it was good to have her here to see that I really was ok despite the ER visit. And I ordered her to report so to all concerned.
Home coming dance for the boy and his gal! 

Sunday 20th a trip to RI to visit a haunted house. Made a stop at Purgatory Chasm along the way. Have to get there again!

Monday 21st quiet day with Hubby first day off that we have nothing medical, nothing pressing, we just sat back and lounged!
And come the evening we got a Rescue call and attended the Association meeting. 

Tuesday 22nd back at work, feels good. Stayed longer then intended, something about that building sucks you in, can't get out, but not in a bad way just in a strange way. Hubby had to make another ER visit, but not for me, the boy messed up his leg from football, probably just a sprain!! So I went to Photo-club meeting instead of the ER.

Wednesday 23rd another day at work. Grocery trip. World Series watching and a little nap. :)

And that brings me to today. Thursday the 24th reflection day. 

I still have all my hair.
Bumps have shrunk.

The only meds I am taking are my kidney protector and the anti-biotic. 

So the point of this post is I am lucky and I know it, for the past two weeks life went on and I was able to function and take part in it. 

I am grateful and awed at the same time.

I can only hope that round 2 will be as good to me, but a part of me knows that it could turn on a dime. 

I am still ready.

~Fun~

"Carry On"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7yCLn-O-Y0

Oct 12th

Recoup Day 

And so the day is spent in a clumsy fury of doing things all because I don't hurt, a little organizing, cleaning, baking, cooking, and in the evening work stuff, that is right school visit schedules.

I can do them :)

There is a wedding happening today, but in my fear of not knowing how I would feel, I am home *sigh I am sure it is beautiful and they are in my thoughts. So today cancer guided my day, but did not take the whole day, that is still a win in my score book.

Cheri 1
Chemo 0

Oct 13th

Visit Day

Ok so the non-pain run is done.

Now I remember this too, the sore ache of ugh!! Oh come on we knew it would happen, we hoped it wouldn't be we kinda guessed it would return.

Bumps are still down though :)

So today finds me ready to receive guests. I have said it before, but now as they come through the door I am again reminded that I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life. Friendships that go back years, family that will drop everything to be here in a heart beat. Miles, distance, time, none of it matters. I know this, it should not be so overwhelming to feel sooooo supported and loved.

And yet I am overwhelmed.

Oct 14th

Yup still hurting and woke with a headache :( but that is ok another day closing in on the 21 day spread. 

Focus on the finish, but remember to live everyday.

So today I will stop the car and take that picture, if I choose to. I am not going to wait until I have more time or feel better. Eddie will just have to be late for football if that is what it takes.

THERE IT IS!!!

I apologize to him that he is going to be late but he just says "it's ok Mom........do you want to go out to get it??"

"Nah just roll your window down."

~One Repubic~

"Say (all I need)"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRSZpV6WIuU

Oct 11th

THE DAY AFTER

If you are a person that does not deal with nausea well then one of the scariest things to read and hear about are the effects that Chemo Meds can have on one person. '

I am one that does not deal with nausea well so it is my plan to sleep it away if it hits, and of course to make sure that I take what I am supposed to take to ward it off. Oh the line up of pills on the table is overwhelming, this one 3 in the morning for five days, this one nausea for every eight hours first three days, this one 2 for nausea every six hours when needed , this one for kidney every night, this one for nausea and insomnia every night if needed........was that one two or one. 

Don't worry I wrote it all down..............and I think I got it right the first time, but my trusty Mommy is double checking me and keeping an eye on me. She was waiting for us when we got home yesterday and spent the night so I would not have to be alone :) Yup that is right Ed was with me all day and then had to work through part of the night Poor Guy!!!

And so this morning we are reviewing organizing, and assessing my actual symptoms. Not really tired, little heart-burny but not too nauseous.

But the most amazing part..............I don't hurt! 

WHAT?!!

NOPE NOTHING!

oh and the bump on my forehead down...........the one that was like an egg near my temple.......down.

TEARS.... too good to be true......?

4pm we went back to the Center or my cell booster shot. Then light shopping, then home again.

Been a long time but I do remember what it was like to not hurt, to do what I want on my terms and oh how I have missed it. I don't want to go back, but I have to remind myself that this is not over, this is only round 1. 

The plan for now is 6 rounds, PET scan after round 3 to see where we are. That sounds like a long way away........

~David Guetta~

"Titanium"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRfuAukYTKg

Oct 10th

INFUSION DAY

 PART II

So where did I leave off, oh the Benedryl LOL. Yeah after that was the big one, 5 hours of flowing dripping Rituxan.........then the two red tubes of some other and a bag of something else and another of something else, some prednisone, anti anxiety meds, and was able to call it a day sometime after 5pm.

Had a nice bagged lunch and splurged for the potato kale soup, yum!! I am afraid the entire day is a blur.......in an out of sleepy time land. Poor Ed probably a very boring day for him, but I tried to stay awake I really did!! And each time that I did wake, he was right there just as I knew he would be.

Now we are walking out, one of the scariest days for me so far, and I made it through. Cut stuff out of me, implant me with things OK........but tell me I am going to be sick to my stomach NNNOOOOOOO!!!

And we are on the way to the car, me with the best guy in the world ready to catch me with if I make one slip. I am pretty sure he is probably as relieved as I am :)

Unbelievable. 

That's it? 

But for now in this moment I am happy and proud. Everyone says it is up to me, but I couldn't do it without him!!

Trying not to be so amazed, this is not even the end of day one, who knows what the night or the next few days will bring, but he will be there, so I will be ok.

And I am tired!!

~Phillips Phillips~

"Home"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE

Oct 10th

INFUSION DAY

PART I

Up early because as anything else life goes on, making sure the boy makes the bus after taking care of the animals. Warning him about if things run over he may be walking. So go with the flow he is.........OK........Bus is here, boy is gone, time to tend to the Chemo stuff.

Nervous

8:00 am  departure and 9:10 is intended arrival time, first blood work, Dr check in, then infusion bay (floor, bay sounds so much cooler) . Bag ready, blue card packed, time being watched. It is 6:30 am.

Nervous

They did not say I could not have coffee so I am! Breakfast as usual is an after thought, not really having any of that. House is quiet, no one else is around now, poor hubby will have a long day today first infusion bay from 9 to whenever then working 7pm to 3am........TROOPER. It is also because of this that I have decided to invite my Mommy over for all night movie night :) Then I ain't got to be all alone when I am not sure how I will be feeling.

Nervous

We are on the drive and Hubby is nervous too......finally I was wondering how I could have been the only one. The drive is the usual little con jested we will be on time.

Check in, blood draw, runs late it is now 9:30 first I go to the lab until they find out I have one of those fancy ports, then I get to go directly to the nurses station who comments on the wonderful healing of it before she jabs it with the needle and flushes out for her blood draw (don't worry didn't really hurt) the fancy little tube is left hanging and this is what the chemo will go in through in infusion bay. COOL

Nervous

Meeting with Dr more explanation about my chemo I will have the R-chop then 21 days repeat, (that is a cycle) after 3 cycles, PET scan (to check progress) and then more than likely 3 more cycles........just as was thought. He compliments the healing of my port too!! Great healer right here!!

Hair will probably fall out 7-10 days...............................................................................................................more than likely will fall out while sleeping and will find it on my pillow. 

Bye bye cute haircut

Then onto infusion bay. Got my little three wall room with a view, nice chair, tv, dvd player, magazines, chair for hubby, pillow. Would you like a warm blanket???>>>YES!!!! 

And then somewhere past 11:30 between meeting nurses, social worker, ordering my lunch infusions begin. first up Benydril.........................Good night.

~Jewel~

"Down so Long"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH5bC2jTluM

   Oct 9th

Today the day before first Chemo. I have met a new Warrior on-line through a friend that will be having her second treatment at pretty much the same time as my first. She shared some extra info with me and I am again thankful for those who are willing to share what they have already experienced, makes the unknown not so unknown.

Had a morning nap as my leg acted up at 3am and so my day started early!

I have had coffee (and water) with my Mom (and friend) because I said not to lunch out, so they came here. Put away all my summer clothes and took out winter, figuring I will need them!

Made up my chemo bag...some Banana's, peanut butter crackers, water stuff, LOLIPOPS........and REECES!!! Puzzle books, pens, Kindle, hospital card. Optimism.........strength.........courage......positivity........confidence.

It's official I need a bigger bag!!

Even helped with dinner, and all the while the right shin is crap and on fire. Figures.

Cut down my nails, not going to do them for a while (very hard to type) picked out a nice flannel shirt, leggings, power jewelry and slipper shoes. 

Not really fashionable but COMFY.

I am ready.........I think.........shoot......sorry.....

I am ready!!

"Kick that Cancer Song"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-zygUF7JzM

Oct 8th 

DATING ANNIVERSARY

(another plant in case of memory loss 27 years with the man I love. Wedding Anniversary is in November just so you know)

So yeah these are just the ordinary days on the wait for Chemo, went to work again to prepare, I seem to have lost a whole schedule I did yesterday altogether. So ok I will do it again.............totally wrong. Good grief, chemo brain and I have not even started yet.

Shall I confess how many times I had to do and redo that schedule? I shan't
.......but I will say I did not finish it alone!

Let's just say that my attempt to schedule the up coming weeks will be coming with a disclaimer "please be sure to check times, visiting groups, staff, etc. I cannot guarantee that any of it is right"

Ok I think I won't need the disclaimer I think I just need to get started, through the first one and on my way. Peace of mind I am sure will make the everything else a little easier again.

Had a surprise visit from that amazing guy I know. Flowers and a coffee, delivered in person to my work. He NEVER does that!! I feel dumb though. I had been watching the date, wanted to start my chemo today, because I got him on this day and that turned out well...........and in all the hub bub and pre chemo brain.............I forgot the date!!

To top off my oddly wonderful day. A visit from friends. Some bonds just never get broken! It is a wonderful treat. For right then in those hours I don't have Chemo in two days, I have chocolate, laughter and updates what more could a girl ask for?

Then the house gets quiet, time to check messages. (yes I am quite the cyber nerd, Facebook, e-mail work, home, fire dept, flickr, photo-club, blog). It is the work one I am interested in and sure enough my update is waiting there for me from the friend.

Node has micro amount of cancer cells....SHIT!!

That means echo cardiogram, port surgery, chemo and radiation for her as well..............................*sigh


~Jonas Brothers~
"A Little Bit Longer"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngJdHREjL_A

Oct 6th

This is a quiet day. It is my every other recoup from surgery and do nothing today. So I shan't not get out of my jama's, I shan't not cook, I shan't not clean.

Oct 7th

Going to work today, that new med and me are still not friends. I am thinking it does not help to have coffee, but really NO COFFEE? NOT happening.

The lovely friend that had surgery on the 30th is in today!!

(remember I have two fellow Warriors fighting breast cancer the other does not have her surgery until the 15th)

We spend a few moments catching up trading surgery notes. She was out for hers, I was awake, etc. But all in all she is good and so am I and now we both await the next step, me chemo and her the results of the Lymphnode findings.  The findings will tell her if the cancer has spread anywhere else and whether or not she needs Chemo and radiation or just radiation. She will find out tomorrow. Is she nervous? Of course she is, who would not be!

Rest of work goes well trying to get things in order in-case I go down with some good ole chemo sickness. I want to be a couple weeks ahead and then if I can't do it, there is a buffer for someone else to be able to take over. But the hope is that I won't be bad and can continue to do my work myself. 

Planning for the worst again, and if it is not that bad

AWESOME!!

~Passenger~
"Holes"

Oct 4th

Lunch with a friend!! My first Thai dish too. This friend is one of the ones recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Although small and easily treatable it is still just as shocking and scary and surreal as any other diagnosis. After lunch she will go for her pre-op appointment to be followed with her actual surgery on the 15th. They will test her nodes and as long as nothing is found there they will follow up with Radiation only.

Do I have recovery envy?

YES :)

But the main point is that no matter the diagnosis, or treatment or outcome, it is scary place to be at. Especially when you never saw it coming or expected to ever see it at all. 

Cancer doesn't seem to care. 

Oct 5th

Working today!! Up early ready. Started one of the medicines that will help keep my Kidneys safe the other day, think my body is still getting used to it. 

I AM GOING

It kind of makes me feel nauseous and on the verge of heartburn, can also cause drowsiness so I have taken to taking it at night. Bottle says to give it a couple days before you freak out about side effects............ok.

I AM STILL GOING

Why is it so important.

1. I made a commitment to do a special photo-walk (although there was a plan b, if I was not up to it)

2. It is one of my favorite thing to do.

3. Being locked up makes you want to get out.

4. Cancer can mess with my health, but it will not diminish my doing things, if there is a slight chance I can do it I will. 

AND SO I DID

And what did I gain.

1. I got out!

2. Being with other camera nuts is always pleasing.

3. A nice meandering leaf peeping walk.

4. And a chance to again tell Cancer F*** YOU, today you did not stop me.

And after that buh-bye tape and after a nap I am going out to eat :)

5 more days until Chemo

~Within Temptation~

"Stand my Ground"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sCkAvh50Vs

Oct 3rd

So again dinner at my parents yesterday after the implant! So spoiled me and my family are! Not to mention the wonderful flower basket that I awoke to find on my doorstep from an Aunt. (Note to self-when they say no lifting for a couple of weeks, there is a reason, don't worry I am fine)

So today is recoup day I am banned to the house, but have a plan to break out later in the day....ssshhh. I figure if I am quiet all day a little ride to hang out with some awesome people should be ok. I won't over do. 

My chest is sore as is my arm, things are red and purple, but no blood oozing out so that is good. HATE THE TAPE!! Just have to mention that because you know what I am talking about, EVERYONE hates the tape!! I have to leave it on for three days, no shower until then either. Then I can rip it off, counting the minutes etc.

Today marks the one week countdown until first Chemo! Sitting quiet makes the mind start wandering. Closing in fast now! Nervous and excited. 

Will I be one of the ones with a scary reaction and not be able to proceed?

A part of me is afraid that killing off my cells will make my marrow work harder to make more and what if that is what makes me hurt now? 

Will I be sick, nauseous, tired and in pain? NNNOOO please no! 

So those of you that may worry about me and how I am doing, know that I am ok and I am ready even with my slight apprehension, I am ready. Don't fear that I will chicken out, or back out, and every day until that day I will work on mentally being stronger and work on squeezing out the uncertainty.

When you lose 2 years, a possible few months of chemo doesn't seem so overwhelming, especially when there is a chance you will be you again.

So I shall do it, head high and hand held by Hubby.

Life is for living!

~The Passengers~
"Life's for the Living"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nl2GwLtMX7s

Oct 2nd

It is an early day today 5am wake up. We have to be at hospital for Port implant for 7am.

What it is:

http://www.bardaccess.com/port-powerport-duo-mri.php

Where it goes

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.uwhealth.org/images/ewebeditpro/uploadimages/5958_port_IR.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.uwhealth.org/healthfacts/B_EXTRANET_HEALTH_INFORMATION-FlexMember-Show_Public_HFFY_1116944249855.html&h=476&w=544&sz=35&tbnid=HUn8V-Wz4TzkkM:&tbnh=123&tbnw=141&zoom=1&usg=__QjKFIs5qxLOZvcqSdsJtxn9Uc6A=&docid=Swk8dJQzjEFuDM&sa=X&ei=D25RUvLrJoL68gS-_oHIDQ&ved=0CDAQ9QEwAA

I am not nervous, my first experience under the knife went so well, they seem to know what they are doing, honestly I am more worried about chemo as ones response to that varies soooo much from person to person.

So we arrive, restroom please :) yes I went before we left home and have not had anything to drink or eat since 7pmish the night before.

OOps we ended up at the wrong building for the surgery. In my yessing confirmation telephone call I did not catch that I was going to a different place then where  I had the first one. Luckily the buildings are only minutes away, but we will be officially late now. Back to the car dang we had such a good spot this time too. Hubby still refuses to use the valet and this time I get the see if we had scenario of why it was a good thing we did not.

Arrival to the proper destination 7:15ish....again oops, and restroom please. Hubby is like really? Uhm yes must be nerves.

We are in for prep, same as before buh-bye clothes, however they are not banning the jewelry!! Keeping my rings this time.

Hubby is with me all the way up until I pretty much get on the surgical table, so much different then the last time. But I am hoping they have a good size room for him to pace, although I am pretty much ok with this procedure, he is nervous and at one point did not see the need for me to have the port installed.

I did........I am the one they are making unsuccessful holes in.

Without too much gory details, I am awake when I go in now happy calming meds yet. They tape cover, expose, attach, etc everything needed for a successful procedure and then I am drugged into a tolerable state of mind......sigh......ready. Awake through the whole thing, as they verbally checked on and off that to make sure that I was comfortable.

Then before you know it I am done stitched and exiting the operating room looking at the clock the whole thing was about an hour ( not including prep time or recovery of course)

Then I am being wheeled out to wait for that large blue eyed guy to show up. There he is all relieved looking. Tried to tell him it was just a routine procedure......but a part of me loves that after all this time, he still worries so much.

~Ed Sheeran~
"Lego House"

http://www.lyricsmania.com/lego_house_lyrics_ed_sheeran.html

Oct 1st

I have made up my mind, I am cutting my hair short now, before I start chemo, kind of like a prep thing. I decided I did not want to wait. If it does not fall out it will grow back, if it does fall out, well hopefully getting rid of most of it now won't be as shocking. But I am sure it will still be weird.

Oh to decide on a cut. When you have long thick hair any type of shorter style is work. Long time ago I had it short and whew, it was a wild child, not looking forward to that, but I don't want to leave it too long or it will not help prepare me (that is what I have told myself this is a preparatory move)

On the way to the hairdresser am I sad? No, why not? I think I view this as just something that needs to be done, part of the process. If I did not do it how much worse would it be later on down the road. I know it is right, it feels right. Deep breath.....

The lovely that usually cuts my hair is in!!! Did I call first? Nope, like the way I tend to do everything I just made up my mind and went. Can she take me?

Yes :)

So I tell her what I want, and slowly it comes out why etc. She is sweet, let's me know that down the road if I need help with it etc. just call, leave a message, we can get you in right away. We can work behind the scenes or where ever is comfortable to work out what we need to to make the situation easier. I am glad to hear this, and as I get ready to pay and leave she says, it is on her.

You don't have to do that, was my brilliant response, but she hugs me and says she wants to it was her lunch time anyway.

And really at that moment I remembered.........

"& people will be the answer you seek, the hand holding you in need, the heart of hearts, strangers & friends will show you what God's love & mercy is about, and if you let them in they will become greater beings then you thought anyone could be in the face of this nightmare..."

and so I let her. But on the company facebook I left her a message.

"Sometimes it is the simplest of acts that can touch the heart and soul of a person facing an unknown situation. It is those Angels here on earth that make the journey so much easier."

~Domonic Camany~
"Hold On"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3kk31V4CZA

Sept 26th

So today seems to be the start of another go around of pain, leg un happy. Shoulder displeased!!

Oh and the dentist today, I could no longer put off the fact that the tooth I broke in late July will have to be fixed before I begin the Chemo. So I had called on Monday and they were able to fit me in. DARN IT!!!

Overall it went well another root canal needed, was also able to set up my appointment for exam and cleaning, which also went very well! I am dentally ready for chemo! HA!!

Oh yeah and the Dr called, I am not getting the 3 med treatment, board decided to go with the tried and true R-CHOP with a side of cell maker booster and kidney protector. 7 meds..........sigh

Sept 27th

And all the while my shoulder and tailbone decide it is a good time to be awful!! Can't really move my arm. I remember being a kid and breaking my collar bone and I had to move my arm until eventually I could rotate it all the way around and it was not easy to do! Same thing pain wise.

I have attended the football game and wonder if that has irritated my tailbone, that is a new one OUCH!! The worst part is not knowing for sure when it will stop. No maybe the worst part is not being able to do my normal everyday stuff.

Hope it stops before Port install 5 days left to go, before I am injected with a nice chunk of plastic and silicon. And no it is not even boobs :)

Sept 30th

Been debating for weeks what to do with the hair, had a great conversation with the Aunt who is a few steps ahead of me in her cancer fight, for fear that it will get lost in the endless Facebook scroll I want to plant it right here. If my memory gets crazy........

And so if you wonder where my positive attitude comes from runs in my family. This my Aunts take on wig or no wig etc. as she works through her own fight with breast cancer and shares her thoughts. Thank you Aunt Cheryl Funk for your candid sharing, I will remember your words and hope to be as brave and open! 

"Just to let know I wore scarves mostly in the warm weather & most people know somethings not right, rarely people look at you with pity, most touch you with their heart, some just know & send you a prayer. I had may sweet encounters with strangers when I wore scarves. Didn't wear wigs til cooler weather & had more fun with people, I do look really good in some of them, & they don't bring as many emotional responses as hats & scarves, except with people who know you. If you want privacy definitely wear a wig or if your head is cold or because you just want to. If you need to know the kindness of strangers, wear a scarf or go naked which is hard to do because you'll get burned or cold, I'm always wearing something in the house because I'm cold. Most important DO WHAT YOU WAnt!!!!! BE out in the public!!!! Don't let anything anyone convince you to hide! Only hide when YOU need to. People are magnificently kind, generous & thoughtful you will be blessed a million times by being you, sad, afraid, outrageous, happy, angry, whatever the moment brings,& people will be the answer you seek, the hand holding you in need, the heart of hearts, strangers & friends will show you what God's love & mercy is about, and if you let them in they will become greater beings then you thought anyone could be in the face of this nightmare,  turned into a dream of learning, loving & recovering or whatever the plan is for you! Sometimes I get on another track, and I still have months of stuff to go through! My thoughts are: stay open, pray, enjoy, pray for others, enjoy, look up & know there is a plan & a purpose for you & your life & everyone around you is part of that plan!"

~Mindy Gledhill_
"Whole Wide World"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcLpY0fksU8

Sept 25th

Fuck Cancer! 

What that is what my shirt says, I did not make it say that :).

Well anyway here we are. Today we get the results, find out if and when we start chemo. Finding out where exactly the lymphoma is and how big and if it is hiding anywhere else.

So first off he wants to know if we want to see the PET scan? uhm..........geeze YES!!! Besides Ed's "what does excessive mean?" this really was a no brainer, Mr. DR.

The PET scan shows that there is Lymphoma in all my marrow all the way up from my legs to my head. The "hot" spots (and I don't mean sexy) are really clear. If they were lights I would be glowing! The good thing and yes I consider it a good thing is that there is no signs of it in any of my other organs, and the spot that he thought may have been my lymph-node with it, is now clearly to him a spot on my spine. The fact that marrow goes through my entire body is a fact totally wasted on me right now at this moment. I have none in any other parts. I am relieved. I have a reason to hurt, after two years I can say MY BONES HURT and they really do and there is a reason.

Wrap up I am still odd, excitedly the Dr. has informed me "you just don't see Lymphoma act like this". For some reason mine is attracted to the bone and bone marrow. He is taking my case to the tumor board AGAIN. Not sure if I have mentioned this before but I have a board of 21 Dr.'s looking into my case and giving their input, because I am an odd ball. But also because of this oddness I am out for any trial medical treatment.

So what about Chemo, I looked up all the ones he had suggested, convinced myself it would be R-chop, because my rule is plan for the worst be excited when it is less!!! And it is he says he is leaning towards B & R. I won't bore you with the details, but that is only 2 medicines with a side of kidney protector. He does mention that could change as he is expecting a very vocal meeting of the tumor board about how to treat me. I am ok with it, let them battle it out. I don't think I have anything to lose.

He asks to see my veins for Chemo, and I ask about a port for the Chemo he never looks at my veins. I think I have just made him decide on the port. I am ok with that as I was not looking forward to being stuck every Chemo day and an I.V. put in. With a port it is always connected and ready. Wine, Beer, Margaritas.........ok maybe not. But that would be cool.

So he will call if anything changes and his office will call with the port installation. My chair reservation for my first Chemo is set for Oct 10th. Was hoping for the 8th. That is the day me and Ed started dating 27 years ago and that worked out well. 

Then I thought it would be the 11th because I read my phone calendar wrong, that would have been cool too both my kids were born on an 11day.

I got the 10th.

Well I will take it, it is right in between.

Ready for a fight, let's go!!

~Lady Antebellum~

"One Day You Will"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZO4zSTqvf9M

Sept 23rd

So when you get caught up in yourself, something crosses your path to make sure you know you are not alone. This day finds me shaking my head. I have an Aunt that is fighting breast cancer, a co-worker who is beginning her battle, and today marks another co-worker confirmed and prepping for battle. This does not count the many who have shared with me that they have been there or have had a loved one there. So overwhelming the lives that get touched and interrupted. 

Well maybe interrupted only by perception.

Life goes on. There is work to attend to, meetings to have, football games, dinners to make, rooms to clean, shows to watch, Dr appointments to keep, conversations to have and all the while alongside everything cancer is there. Waiting for you to remember it is here and to make you wonder what lays ahead. Making you question everything, making you think twice about all you have done, what you have left to do. What do I have left to do (besides housework yuck)?

No one knows the answers and really who wants to. How much fun would life be if we knew exactly what we were in for? 

Stupid Cancer, why you got to make one question everything?

~Band of Horses~

"Monsters"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uB0gQr3zSM