Wed, August 7- Mon. August 12

I can't change the cards I am dealt, and I promised myself that if they just found something, I would deal with it.

So I spent the rest of the week telling some friends and co-workers. I have decided to let humor lead me through making the best of the news. Using the “mass on my membrane” as a tool along with a co-worker to make sure we cover my responsibilities, because now looks like life is gonna get a little busier than expected.

Friday Aug 9th up most of the night, right leg (thigh) I have a BBQ to run, stupid leg!!! It will not be soothed or ignored total sleep 3.5 hours.

Advil is my friend again because Saturday is BBQ day!! Time to suck it up and get it done, but the leg is still not right and still extremely sore.

All goes well, some miner bumps along the way, not a great turn out, but ok. First year heading this shin dig up, have some great people that have volunteered to help out, very pleased that the jail is bringing in the dollars!! Raffle is going well. Just the field of fun is hurting.

Then it happens it is the worst thing that could have happened and no the chicken is not burnt, there was not a fire call, no one dropped the dinners and it did not rain.

Instead.

I dropped the Lumix (most favorite camera ever)!!! Hits the ground with a crash and my heart stops, it really did. A few people around say uh-oh. I brush it off and say it is fine, it has been dropped many times, the smile I am wearing FAKE. And when I turn the switch........click, click, click.

 NO NO NO this cannot happen now, not to this camera. Yes I have another, but not the Lumix!! Not now! Bad omen, still can't catch my breath.

It is broken.

Saturday night, leg still sore but arm decides to act up total sleep 4 hours UGH!!!!

Then Monday hits me like a brick, can't seem to do anything without crying. Ed is back to work after being on vacation for two weeks, first day I have been alone since we found out about the "mass on my membrane", kids are sleeping. I am trying to get ready for work, doing all the regular things I usually do. Facebook, e-mail, make a lunch. Somehow today is not normal, I am a wreck. I don't know why, nothing has changed. I know exactly what I have known since last Tuesday. 

It is that broken camera. Shaky smile, ok maybe not.

Dressed, sigh, fight back the tears. Lunch made, sigh, tear escapes. Got to get it together, the clock is ticking. OK few moments of crying and it will be done. Why the need? Don't know just do it and be done.

Make up...........stare in the mirror hhmmm not a good idea, puffy eyes, look tired must be all the full nights of sleep I have been getting. More drips.

Got to go gonna be late!!! It is check in day, have to get there early in-case of changes. Might have things to rearrange, new lunch orders to call in. Staff to reassure, that thought makes me laugh, I will be great for that today. More drips.

Start the car, there goes the mascara UGH really?!?! I am not extremely sad, but a part of me must be playing catch up. Is my subconscious finally catching up with the verbal findings?

Marking Monday August 12^th fall apart day, can't wait for it to be done. By mid-day I finally got it back together, not fully, but enough.

I have the best co-workers in the world, supportive and not judgmental. They take the reins and leave me to cope with whatever this emotional outburst may be. All I said is I don't know what is wrong with me today and they were on it, taking my papers, telling me we they will do it, it is fine. I apologize, someone I think has laughed at me. I watch from a distance, I will still have to do the intro, I can do that. I am not my bubbly self, but I do it.Think I have forgotten to tell parents what time to pick up their kids, hope they come back at the end of the day to get them!

Tomorrow is Tuesday August 13. 

Neurosurgeon appointment. Maybe it is just that. Maybe I already know it is not going to go well. Maybe I should not think that way. But the camera is broken and I can't help but think, so am I.

~Phillips Phillips~ "Tell Me Story"

copy and paste link to hear the song>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RQ3ZHA7lK0