Nov. 21 

Round III

And then before I knew it, Aunt Flow was gone and it was time for Round III. The mid-way marker treatment. 

That is if we go with the fact that the usual treatment is six Rounds of R-CHOP for what I have. (fingers crossed that is what we are doing here)

Seems like some reflection is in order here. 

Why?

Because I am feeling frustrated as I watch my body bloat up to where I started with my workouts 2 years ago. Because the last Med they put in the IV drip sucks and I don't like the way it makes my sinus's feel. Because Benny the first one in the IV sucks too, even if it gives me the giggles. Because 5 days of Prednisone sucks and still makes me jittery (and moody from the looks from the family) also think it leaves me winded. And because the way the nurse dresses up and covers up and has to protect all her skin tells me that red Med they also give me is probably a sucky one too, (but honestly I only notice it turns my urine pink for a little while). The anti-nausea drugs block things up like a dam and drinking gallons of water does not seem to help. And of course the Kidney protection pill, I think it makes you have to go more.........during the night...........and that sucks too. I also think the IV pumps the body with air too (yes by what comes back out, BAD air). And heartburn yucky heartburn. The Neulasta shot hurts and causes minor bone pain for a very short time and that sucks. Feeling slow in the hustle and bustle of the season sucks.

Yes I guess half way through is not an unusual time to get tired and aggravated and well UGH (thankfully I looked it up, I am normal) (well the usual me kind of normal)!! 

But does this mean I am giving up? No just got to let the world know Chemo sucks, and I know it could be worse. I could be sick to my stomach, curled in a ball or sleeping 24-7 (although I don't think so with preddi). I could be hugging the porcelain bowl and not able to leave the house. I should be grateful that I can leave and move and only slightly nauseous at times. 7 days down is NOT bad, my mind knows that, but does not comprehend.

So let me remember and relish in the good

Benny gives me the giggles

Sleeping is comfy even at Infusion Bay

Tumors are DOWN big time (nothing alien looking left)

Round III is a precursor to PET scan to see what is left in marrow :)

I have not lost sleep because my body can't touch the furniture

I don't need Aleeve or Ibuprofen around the clock

I banged my head and for the first time in a long time....it did not really hurt

NO knee pain at all, NO brace

NO hip pain

NO arm pain

NO excruciating wake me and keep me up leg or arm pain

Collar bone is almost as normal as the other side, seat belt doesn't hurt it any more! (however the port  on the other side doesn't like the seat belt)

I don't NEED shoulder rubs (but won't turn them down if offered)

I can hug and be squished

I can move my head and it does not hurt

I no longer get that pressure in my head when I stand up 

& volume up and down in my ears GONE (that one was getting really bad and scary)

Vision, well lets just say I think I will still need readers

I don't need the anti Nausea meds past Saturday and I only take one kind on Friday and Saturday (I have been perscribed 3)

I may actually finish my totally knitted wool blanket this year

And Hubby is here to remind me....when I get all weepy and yucky (yes it happens). 

He asks me if my hips hurt........I got to say no.

Did I have to take any med for pain......I got to say no.

Did I get to sleep...........I got to say yes (except of course when I gots to go)

Then he hugs me and squishes me.....kisses me on my partially bald head.....it does not hurt. That makes me want to cry too, just because something as simple as that doesn't hurt anymore. How could I have forgotten how such a simple thing not so long ago was soooo painful. 

Why is it so easy to forget? Maybe I just focus too much on the now. Running for the finish line without wanting to run the race. I am impatient and ready to be done with this mess. So when I am not feeling very good, or am tired and things are getting me down, I have to remember how far I have come already. It took 2 years to get that bad, gonna take a little longer than a couple months to get back to good.

*Sigh

Slow down and enjoy the ride, even with all its bumps, turns and crappy stuff.....keep your chin up buttercup, you still got some work to do! 

~Taylor Swift~

"Safe and Sound"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzhAS_GnJIc

Nov 17th

"Aunt Flow"

Disclaimer- If you are Male (or maybe even Female), you may find this post has TMI (too much information) but, sorry but this is life!

So the days go by after Round II with my usual 7-day get back to me schedule. Things are even looking better then Round I, Round II is shaping up to be cake!

Here is how the 7 day back to me schedule shapes up. 

Day 1-Infusion Day- We all know I sleep (Benadryl remember)

Day 2-Recovery Day-Lounge, sleep and pill pop

Day 3-Getting Antsy- Movies, slight cleaning, more pill popping (anti-nausea)and lots of eating (Prednisone remember)

Day 4-More Antsy-Prednisone only (more eating) cooking, light houseworky stuff

Day 5-UGH-I think I am 10 lbs heavier, bloated and after all that I have eaten.......nothing has left. So this day is about internal begging, hoping and trying to get things back to normal (both rounds by the end of this day things are better)

Day 6-YAY-Still a little better, but I am reminded with slight cramping that "Aunt Flow" should have visited the day before!

Day7-UGH-No "Aunt Flow"I think she paused as if she was going to stop by, but then no she never showed!

Day 8- NO "AUNT FLOW" The only way to understand the trauma this is causing is to know the experience of pent up anger that you know is unreasonable. The effect of the sweetest voices getting on your last nerve, and the almost uncontrollable urge to punch people in the face and not being able to act on it.

Thus I go into hiding. Society is safer.

Don't want to converse, I can't stand anyone!

I don't even like me.....

If I could leave myself and crawl into a hole I would. 

For those of you that have never had "Aunt Flow" visit, well I know it is hard to understand.

For those of you that have had her visit and she doesn't anymore, you are grateful. As was I...being past my childbearing wants and reading that Chemo may make her visits cease (hoping those of you reading have figured out who she is now) either only during the treatments but sometimes even beyond.

So yeah no shaving and no "Aunt Flow"? You have to have the positives to focus on, so these are some good ones.

But as time went on I did the unthinkable I begged and begged for "Aunt Flow" to come back before someone got hurt!! Some of the most intense PMS I think I have ever experienced!

And so she did Day 9 and all is right and calm in my world again.

No one got hurt, I like people and myself again. But now I have to think if she is late again next time, she is extending my recovery back to me time by another week!! That will leave me ONE good normal week where I feel like me until the next treatment :(

So if her not coming to visit is going to create the extreme Chaos as it did this time, I will take her late and hope for the best. However if she decides not to visit again, I would be ok with that too.

All I am asking from her now is that she not send all her baggage prior to her visit no matter her decision. I got enough on my plate to deal with and so do the people that have to put up with me.

~Kelly Clarkson~
"Dark Side"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5ArpRWcGe0

Nov 1st

And so it is the hair has to go. I have lost a lot already and wore a scarf yesterday to keep it put. Now I am no better than the old dog that lives here that sheds constantly. My long thick hair. The envy of some and my frustration. Had it all my life, now I am forced to let it go, not fair Cancer you take so much, the important and the simple, leaving your mark in more ways than one. Distracting from the fight and what really matters. Oh you are a tricky one.

Last night after chemo I let my Mom take some of it off, now you can see the patches of baldness left behind. I guess the inevitable is here time to finish it off, but not tonight. Tomorrow, tomorrow I will brave enough.

So in the morning Hubby has the clippers and I am ready to let it all go. Deep breath BRAVERY called to the front line. Then on one of his passes before it is entirely gone, I decide to keep a tuft in the front. My bangs. How long will I have them? Probably not long, but their mine and I don't want to give them up yet.

I don't cry. That is what the shower is for.

But then in there... it does not happen there either. A look in the mirror, nope still not crying. Well that went a lot better than I thought. I had said that as long as I did not have an alien head from all the tumors on one side, I would be ok. Honestly thought I was lying to myself and everyone I said it to. However, the tumors are smaller and my head does not look like an alien and I really am ok.

I kind of like that I can wear this style. Or is it really a style if there is no hair to really style. You can see the scar from my surgical biopsy, you can see my front male pattern balding. But it could be worse, in more ways than one. It is just hair........right? It will be nice to not have to shave daily to avoid a gorilla like appearance...right?

Through the steam, in the quiet and alone I have just won another strategic battle move. My hand smooths over the missing, the stubble and the craters. Devilish smile...........

Sorry Cancer this is not bringing me down either. I don't need hair to do what needs to be done.

~Katy Perry~

"Who am I living for"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIRf-nFKfsU

Oct 31st

Chemo Round II

It is Halloween and I have Chemotherapy.

So here we are again getting ready to beam up to infusion bay after blood work and a visit with the Oncologist. We have arrived slightly late.....again. The traffic in the morning is a little worse then when we have gone during the day. Note to self: morning commute is a little more than hour compared to the exact hour of an afternoon visit. Arrival 8:40ish should have been there for blood work at 8:30 ooops.

The wait to move on is LONG like almost 2 hour wait, they lost my blue card. The thing that makes things happen in this place. The entry ticket to all that needs to be done............poof gone! And of course when you ask if  you should still be waiting, they say a nurse must have it you should be going in shortly *sigh ok.

A nurse did not have it they lost it. I had it, gave it to them, poof gone. Oh well what can you do? Now the day will be a little longer again.

After port blood with-drawl happens we meet with the Oncologist who is pleased with my shrinking bumps, just as I thought he would be. He has also agreed that maybe my prednisone may be a bit too much and has lowered my amount WHOO HOO. He also asks about my hair, which since my last post has really started shedding. I have a scarf on in hopes to keep it in place for the day, but I share that it is probably coming off very soon by force.

Then we beam up, escorted to our special three wall room with warmed blanky.

We order lunch. And we wait.

Finally here we go round two, Benadryl. Determined to stay awake through it. Not working! Trying to write an e-mail and ugh can't do it on the Kindle, not really focused enough to do it on the laptop either. Second time I have a giggly fit and I have decided Benadryl not only makes me tired, but also gives me the giggles if I don't sleep. Who knows if that e-mail makes sense. Who knows if that e-mail even sent LOL LOL LOL will have to check up on that later. No more e-mail, just snooze a little and all will be fine...oh wait, lunch then snooze then all will be fine.

~Alvicii~
"Wake me up"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5y_KJAg8bHI